Certified Plant Welfare Unit. Est. 2026. Not affiliated with any actual horticulture.
The Department of Desk Flora exists to monitor the hydration and morale of a single office plant, full time, with total confidence and no botanical training whatsoever. We are not a nursery. We are not a wellness initiative. We are a department, and we have the letterhead to prove it.
Every click is logged as a discrete watering event: timestamped, measured, and added to a running Hydration & Morale Score that has never once gone down. The plant itself remains free to interpret this however it likes.
The Score climbs with every watering by an amount our department selects at the time, based on nothing. It approaches a number we are not at liberty to disclose and has never once reached it. We publish it anyway, in large friendly type, because a number that only goes up is good for morale — ours, if not the plant's.
Measured independently of the Hydration & Morale Score, Despair Potential remains remarkably consistent regardless of how much watering occurs. This is not a bug. It is, according to the department, 'simply what the data shows.'
It doesn't, agriculturally speaking. But somewhere around the fifteenth or twentieth click, the little drip starts to feel earned. That feeling is the entire service. Everything else is paperwork.